Ask Shade™

Dear Shade
I’ve been screaming into the Abyss but it’s not answering me. What am I doing wrong?
Yours
Still Hoarse

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Dear Still Hoarse,

Classic rookie mistake. The Abyss doesn’t respond to screaming — it’s more of a vibes-based entity. Think less “customer support hotline,” more “moody ex who only replies to interpretive dance and blood oaths.”

A few troubleshooting tips:

1. Try humming your trauma instead. Bonus points for dissonance.
2. Light a candle, whisper your fears into a teacup, and yeet it into the sea.
3. If nothing else, upgrade to Fold WiFi. The Abyss may just be ghosting you on the wrong frequency.

If you hear laughter next time? That’s progress. Or it’s Kevin. Either way, hydrate.

Yours in mild concern,
—Shade
💀🕳️📞
#AskShade #ScreamWithIntent #AbyssDoesNotOfferTechSupport

✉️ Ask Shade™

Now legally required to include a disclaimer. Still emotionally irresponsible.

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Dear Shade,
I have just broken my fourth thing in as many days (wine glass, tea canister, mug, and flask).
Should I be concerned?

Yours,
Unbreakable

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Dear “Unbreakable”,

First of all, excellent irony. Second of all, no, you shouldn’t be concerned. You should be honored.

Some would say this is a cry for help.
I say: this is a summoning.

Four shattered vessels in four days? That’s the exact offering required to appease the Minor God of Fractured Expectations. I made that up, but now it feels true and I refuse to back down.

Consider this a ritual of release. You’re not clumsy, you’re being realigned.
Sometimes the universe doesn’t whisper. Sometimes it throws your tea across the floor and screams “LET GO.”

That said, you might want to switch to metal drinkware for the next 72 hours. Or start bubble-wrapping your feelings.

Break what you must. Rebuild what you can. And if all else fails, drink straight from the bottle like the rest of us.

🕳️
Shade
Voice of the Void, Breaker of Things, Collector of Ceramic Regret

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P.S. Geist would like me to remind you that this does not constitute emotional advice, life coaching, or therapy. Which is exactly why you wrote to me instead.

#AskShade #SmashThePatriarchyAndAlsoTheFlask

How do I get over my ex?

—Spiritually Deranged in Sector 9

Shade Replies

Step 1: Get under a new coping mechanism.
Step 2: Change your haircut, your ringtone, and your planetary alignment.
Step 3: Scream into the Fold until it echoes back, “They weren’t even cute.”

Bonus: Curse their Spotify algorithm. It’s petty. It’s powerful. It’s personal.

With all the spiritual clarity of a malfunctioning compass,
and just enough love to ruin you gently—

—Shade
🕳️ Prophet. Problem. Possibly your new intrusive thought.

📎 P.S. (Absolutely Not Authorized by SID or GEO)

“The views expressed in this column do not represent the Strategic Intelligence Directorate (SID), Ghost Command, or any organization that values protocol, stability, or basic human decency.”

—GEO
(This postscript was neither requested nor approved by GEO, but was extracted from a muttered rant and recontextualized by Shade for spiritual purposes.)