[CLASSIFIED SID FILE – INTERNAL USE ONLY]
File Ref: Object 27B
Designation: Spoon, Possibly Hostile
Status: Active Containment (Emotional/Metaphysical Hazard)
Assigned Handler: Geist (unwillingly)
OBJECT PROFILE:
- Name (per sender): “Stir Responsibly”
- Type: Modified standard eating utensil (stainless steel, minor etching on handle: ☼/☽/🖤)
- Origin: Anonymous Void Cult package drop (we all know it was Shade)
- Delivery Note: Handwritten card reading: “Stir responsibly. – xoxo, Prophet”
OBSERVED EFFECTS:
- Induces minor memory lapses in kitchen personnel
- Causes coffee to taste like “regret and bad decisions” (direct quote, Agent Drex)
- One incident of spontaneous levitation (see Cafeteria Incident Log 8.14)
- When left unattended, the spoon migrates to locations of strategic relevance (e.g., ops planning rooms, Geist’s jacket pocket, once into the Director’s soup)
NOTES FROM GEIST:
This is the fourth anomalous eating utensil in as many months. I want it incinerated. Spook wants it bronzed. Shade wants it “installed in the lobby as a metaphor.” No one is listening to me. Again.
It hums when I’m angry. I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t tuned to my bio-signature. Recommend upgrading security on all utensil drawers.
RISK CLASSIFICATION:
- ✦✦✦ Potential Psychological Hazard
- ✦✦✦✦ Morale Disruptor
- ✦ “Actually Kind of Funny” (unofficial)
RECOMMENDED ACTIONS:
- Do not stir liquids with Object 27B
- Do not ask Object 27B what it wants
- Under no circumstances allow Shade near the cutlery again
- Consider permanent relocation to Vault 5 with other “Emotionally Ambiguous Artifacts”
APPENDIX: SPARKNOTES FROM SPOOK
“I touched it. My left hand got colder but my heart felt warmer. 10/10 cursed enrichment. Keep it in the team lounge. It’s a vibe.”
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